An extremely scientific investigation of your taste in video game furniture.
You’ve dated twinks, you’ve dated otters, you’ve dated bears, but have you ever dated a couch? Date Everything asks the eternal question: what if the objects in your house were hot, emotionally complex, and down to vibe? Finally, you no longer have to feel shame for your emotional attachment to a refrigerator. Shout it from the rooftops, people—you’re in love with a curtain rod and you don’t care who knows it!
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What Is Date Everything?
If you’re new here: Date Everything is a surreal dating sim where you romance the personified versions of household objects—think: couches, toilets, doors, and mirrors, all with fully voiced dialogue and surprisingly complex emotional arcs. Yes, it’s deeply weird. At this point, I need this level of departure from reality to effectively dissociate, okay?
The characters are funny, flirtatious, and packed with more red flags than your last group chat. Whether you’re into strong, silent types or chaotic charmers, there’s someone (or something?) for everyone. So in the spirit of introspection (and public shaming), we’ve compiled this definitive list of what your favorite Date Everything man says about you.
Spoiler: it’s not flattering.
What Your Favorite Man in Date Everything Says About You
Abel
You’re a sucker for the emotionally constipated. You want a loyal man who smells like sawdust and repressed feelings. A man who’ll fix your wobbly chair but not talk about his trauma until year three. You fantasize about slow-dancing in a quiet kitchen, maybe while healing his wooden heart with homemade pie.
- Sign: Taurus
- Favorite Food: Biscuits and gravy
- Hobby: Several, but none you stick with
- Green Flag: Always ready for a cozy night in
- Red Flag: Chronic red-flag-blindness
Amir
You want to be courted. You’re drawn to big feelings, poetic texts, and men who’ll “read your aura” on the second date. You’ve definitely trauma-bonded with someone in a bathroom. People think you have main character syndrome—and you do—but it’s not your fault that you’re a deeply interesting person.
- Sign: Libra
- Favorite Food: Grapes, fed to you by hand
- Hobby: Crying to voice memos you sent yourself
- Green Flag: Deep believer in words of affirmation
- Red Flag: Low-key delulu
Barry
You don’t need attention from everyone, just from the people who matter most. You’re drawn to charmers who talk a mile a minute, have five side quests at once, and still remember to tell you you’re beautiful. You want a partner who turns heads but only has eyes for you. Bonus points if they smell like a Sephora.
- Sign: Virgo
- Favorite Food: Something you split with someone
- Hobby: Reorganizing everything you own
- Green Flag: Shows up without keeping score
- Red Flag: Currently rethinking everything you’ve ever text
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Cabrizzio
You say you’re looking for something real, but who are you kidding? You want someone hot, charming, and just mysterious enough to project your entire romantic fantasy onto. You love a smooth talker who knows wine pairings and how to make you feel like the most interesting person in the room. Oh, and they should be a good person too, I guess.
- Sign: Sagittarius
- Favorite Food: Pasta made with way too much butter
- Hobby: Romanticizing your own life in 4K
- Green Flag: Being around you is free entertainment
- Red Flag: Has never sat still
Cam
You fall for men who are prickly, scruffy, and emotionally under construction. Cam’s not warm, not charming, not even trying to impress you, and somehow those are all pluses to you? You think being chosen by someone who trusts no one is the highest romantic honor. You’re either the softest soul alive or fully in your self-sabotage era. Sidenote: Are you okay?
- Sign: Scorpio
- Favorite Food: Big leftover eater
- Hobby: Projecting onto emotionally unavailable people
- Green Flag: Funny, because trauma
- Red Flag: Gets jealous, stays jealous
Chance
You want someone who plans dates like side quests and kisses like it’s a critical hit. You’re drawn to the kind of chaos that kicks the door in first and rolls initiative later. You don’t mind a little awkwardness, as long as they light up when they talk about their latest hyperfixation. You’re not just looking for love. You’re looking for a companion.
- Sign: Gemini
- Favorite Food: Trail mix (but it’s mostly M&Ms)
- Hobby: Your 10-year-old DnD campaign
- Green Flag: Down for literally anything
- Red Flag: Starts fights over niche lore and wins
Curt & Rod
Why date one person when you could date two who already have amazing taste and impeccable banter? You want to be adored, entertained, and occasionally dragged in matching outfits. You live for drama, chaos, and being at the center of the best tea in the neighborhood. If love isn’t a three-person production with outfit changes and whispered insults, what’s the point?
- Sign: Leo
- Favorite Food: A martini you didn’t pay for
- Hobby: Eavesdropping, but make it fashion
- Green Flag: Keeps receipts
- Red Flag: Reads them out loud
Daisuke
You don’t need chatter. You need competence, calm, and someone who can stack emotions as neatly as they stack plates. You fall for the serious ones—the ones who won’t open up to just anyone, and definitely not right away. You say you’re low-maintenance, but what you really are is patient.
- Sign: Capricorn
- Favorite Food: Black coffee “with no sugar,” you exclaim
- Hobby: Telling people about Kintsugi
- Green Flag: Deeply curious
- Red Flag: “Um, actually…”
Dorian
You fall for the strong, silent type. The one who never opens up, never makes the first move, and somehow still has you thinking, “He’s just scared to love.” You say you’re emotionally mature, but you’re really just deeply committed to unlocking his tragic backstory. The suit? Immaculate. The build? Unholy. The emotional repression? A project.
- Sign: Cancer
- Favorite Food: Something you cooked and he complimented once
- Hobby: Holding a cup of tea for emotional support
- Green Flag: Honestly? You might actually fix him
- Red Flag: Thinks no texts for two hours is “giving him space”
Jean Loo Pissoir
You’re not intimidated by confidence. You’re turned on by it. Jean Loo is loud, rhyming, vaguely damp, and literally a toilet, but that just makes you want him more. You’re pathologically drawn to the one person no one else would ever date. Not because you’re desperate, but because you’re different. You don’t fall in love. It’s all for the bit, right? Right!?
- Sign: Aquarius
- Favorite Food: Sushi in bed, like a weirdo
- Hobby: Weaponizing irony
- Green Flag: Unshakable confidence
- Red Flag: So, um, you’re definitely dating a toilet!
Koa
You’re soft. Too soft. A human onesie, even. You fall for gentle giants with extra cushion for pushin. Love to you is being swaddled in a warm blanket after crying in the bath, listening to Enya, and that’s valid! You think silence is romantic and physical touch is a personality trait.
- Sign: Pisces
- Favorite Food: Chips and too much dip
- Hobby: Projecting your feelings onto inanimate objects
- Green Flag: Deeply intuitive, genuinely caring
- Red Flag: Will trauma-bond with a couch
Teddy
You burn bright, move fast, and fall hard. That’s why you need someone soft to land on. You’re drawn to quiet strength, calm voices, and bear-shaped men who radiate dad energy. Teddy doesn’t just hug, he heals. You say you want emotional growth, but what you really want someone to listen to your chaos, validate your pain, and hand you a warm beverage before you finish ranting. Is that so much to ask?
- Sign: Aries
- Favorite Food: Melted cheese in all its forms
- Hobby: Talking at all possible times
- Green Flag: Down for literally anything
- Red Flag: Desperately needs fixing
Vaughn
Nurse, the patient is escaping!
Buy Date Everything Today
Whether you saw yourself dating the main character, the quiet fixer, or the literal toilet, one thing’s clear: your taste in men is as complex (and chaotic) as ever. But hey, we’re not here to judge. We’re here to enable. If you haven’t already fallen headfirst into the weird, tender, and unhinged world of Date Everything, now’s your chance.
Date Everything is out now on Steam, PlayStation, Xbox, and Nintendo.
