“I’m a talented football player, a damn good writer, a loving son, an overbearing brother, a caring friend, a loyal lover, and a bisexual man.”
Last Thursday, NFL veteran Ryan Russell veteran came out as bisexual in a heartfelt essay for ESPN. Russell has played for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Dallas Cowboys.
In the essay, Russell talked about growing up as a young black boy forced to separate his queer side from his straight side. He revealed that separation followed him into adulthood and his professional life as an athlete.
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“Though I confided in close friends and family and gave myself permission to date both men and women discreetly, I deprived myself the basic privilege of living an open life,” remarks Russell. “That meant I had to be strategic and cautious about meeting guys or getting involved with them during the regular season. It also meant that even though I was building important friendships on my team, I couldn’t be authentic or honest about who I am or what was going on in my life.”
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Following his first season, Russell reported a “well-known blogger” noticed him in the background of an Instagram story of his boyfriend. The blogger proceeded to DM Russell and threatened to out him.
“The blogger could have revealed I was in a gay relationship. My professional world and personal world were colliding with me caught in the cataclysm. I panicked, then wrote back, reminding him that there were implications about his actions he didn’t fully understand. If the blogger outed me, I was sure that would kill my career, one that was supporting not just me, but my mother and grandfather. He’d eradicate a childhood dream that was the product of years of work and sacrifice.”
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Although the blogger didn’t out him, Russell admits he “didn’t love myself enough to live openly and honestly.”
He continued: “I was ashamed of who I am. I prayed countless nights for God to take away this part of me. I was ashamed to love women because I knew I could also love men. I stayed up so many nights in fear of being found out, in fear that the professional sports world would reject me for the way I was born. I lied to myself every chance I could. I looked in the mirror and lied, got into relationships, and lied, woke up every morning and went to sleep every night lying about the fullness of my soul.”
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Ready to return to the NFL, Russell refuses to let anything hold him back in his private or professional life. “Today, I have two goals: returning to the NFL, and living my life openly,” he writes. “This is the last time I will ever interview for a job as anything other than my full self. Out of love, admiration, and respect, I want the next team to sign me valuing me for what I do and knowing who I truly am.”
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Russell added: “Those two objectives shouldn’t be in conflict. But judging from the fact that there isn’t a single openly LGBTQ player in the NFL, NBA, Major League Baseball or the NHL, brings me pause. I want to change that — for me, for other athletes who share these common goals, and for the generations of LGBTQ athletes who will come next.”
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“Withholding information is a form of deceit. And I want the next part of my career — and life — steeped in trust and honesty. During the season, you spend more time with your team than with your own family; truth and honesty are the cornerstones of a winning culture. My truth is that I’m a talented football player, a damn good writer, a loving son, an overbearing brother, a caring friend, a loyal lover, and a bisexual man.”
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Congratulations, Russell!
