When most single people seek relationship advice (mainly from idiots), they typically get generic responses: “Just be open” or “Take time to know yourself” or “You need to love yourself, first.” Please!
Don’t get me wrong, this is all useful advice, but it’s not helpful at all. Unless you want to be locked away in your room for hours “working on yourself,” the truth of the matter is if you want a boyfriend you’re never going to be smart enough to recognize compatibility.
You don’t want to latch on to the first scumbag you find, which is why we all need to remember these five important essentials. No one is ever ready for a relationship. It just happens and you just do it. You wake up and decide to find him; then you do. But first you need to know what you’re looking for ….
Stop saying, “I want to marry a doctor,” “I want him to be tall and lean and with blonde hair,” or “I want him to have the body of Mario Lopez and the personality of Jimmy Fallon.” You cannot cast him like a TV show, otherwise you are chasing an image — not a man.
The essentials need to go deep if you want to find a truly great guy, and they’re universally important for anyone looking for a boyfriend. Not only will they help narrow your search so you can stop repeating mistakes, but they’ll also make you stop judging books by their covers:
1. Choose character over “type”
It’s not about being eye candy; it’s about being appealing. Don’t narrow yourself to a specific physical requirement. It should be about how he makes you feel, not how he looks. Eye candy only lasts as long as it takes for your next piece of eye candy to come around, but sex appeal sticks with you long after you meet; it penetrates your soul.
The biggest mistake single gay guys make is limiting themselves to a specific “type.” It’s okay to have a type or preference, just don’t make it physical. Instead of saying, “he must have blond hair,” choose a character trait instead: “He must be kind,” “he must be funny” or “he must be a good communicator.”
Let’s say you’re only attracted to funny guys — that’s great, you stand a better chance at finding a man than someone who says he’s only attracted to gingers. If you’re limited to red heads, you’re subliminally closing yourself off to great potentials. Don’t limit yourself.
2. The chase
Don’t be afraid to chase, but also don’t be afraid to let him chase you. You need to feel desired just as much as you need to feel in control.
If you are the type who loves being chased, how the hell is he going to know how much you care? You’re not giving him a chance to see it because you’re letting him do all the chasing — everyone wants to feel hunted. Make him feel it too.
Finding the nerve to approach someone is hard, but not that hard — especially for men. Since birth, men have been trained by society to chase. So as men who date men, however, we must allow ourselves wiggle room to chase each other, otherwise we could evolve into total schmucks or users.
We want Prince Charming to sweep us off our feet, but if everyone waits around to get swept up, there’s going to be a lot twiddling thumbs and “ … Yeps.” You have to chase each other to feed your inner animal. We all want to hunt and be hunted in return.
3. Emotionally available
A guy who is emotionally unavailable can be enticing because we always think we can change him. We believe we have the magic touch to make him ours. We think we’re the one to pull him out of his shell — but we’re wasting our time.
If he isn’t emotionally available, he’s not available. An emotionally available person is present with you, not in his head. He recognizes your feelings and isn’t afraid to show you his. He doesn’t require work — work that chips a bit of dignity and integrity away.
4. A strong value system
A man with a strong value system knows himself and holds his character to a high standard, but he also has courage to follow it up.
He can preach all he wants about the importance of family, friends, being a good person, giving back to the world, loving thy neighbor and loving thyself, but if he’s not practicing what he preaches he is yet another hypocrite.
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The legacy we leave is based on our character — not what we write on Facebook or whatever philosophy we’ve adopted by reading one too many self-help books. A man with great character is going to inspire you to achieve your best potential. He’s also going to see the bigger picture of your relationship rather than wasting time on petty things.
A guy with strong values has spent time in his head figuring out who he is and what he stands for. This is the type of guy who will treat you the way you need to be treated and will always give as much as he receives. Don’t trust what he writes on Facebook; no matter how inspiring his self-help quotes can seem. Judge him by what he does in the real world, how he makes you (and others) feel.
5. Patience
It doesn’t matter if your friends have been in relationships for a decade. Everyone has their own path to follow.
There’s no telling when you’re going to meet Mr. Right, so stop thinking that being single is a bad thing. Instead, look at it as an opportunity. This is a time to reevaluate yourself while also figuring out what kind of relationship you’re looking for — not what kind of man.
Related: 10 Signs Your Boyfriend Is a Jerk
When you’re running on an invisible time clock, the only thing you’ll be focusing on is time lost. Get rid of it altogether and start focusing on building joy and affirmation. Stop being distracted by what you don’t have, and stop Googling images of hot gay couples eating breakfast — that must go, too.
You’ll find the right guy when you’re ready. Don’t worry about it — he’s out there! Don’t roll your eyes at me, don’t slam down your computer screaming at the ceiling. Believe me when I say he’s out there … stop worrying.
David Artavia is an actor and writer from New York City. He loves living vicariously through his friends. Follow him on Twitter and Like his Facebook page.
